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It was a sad day for Americuhns everywhere when they found out that the U.S. is no longer the number one emitter of greenhouse gasses. Yes, China has finally matched (and by some accounts surpassed) the U.S. in the pollution race.
I know. I couldn't beleive it either. How could this happen? How on earth was it possible that 20% of the world's population (China) could match the polluting powers of 5% of the world's population (Americuh)? The U.S. has been in first place, at the top of the pollution ladder, for over a century now! Americuhns proudly produce 25% of the world's greenhouse gases. Air pollution was one of the few things still eligible for a "Made in Americuh" sticker, but now it looks like even greenhouse gasses are going to say "Made in China" on them. I guess we could take solace in the fact that most of the greenhouses gases in the atmosphere today (the ones currently causing climate change) were spewed there by Americuhns. And, per capita the U.S. is still the number one polluter. That is, the average Americuhn still produces more greenhouse gas than the average person in China. But our country is the UNITED States of Americuh--if we can't be in first place as a collective country of ultra-polluters, we might as well be in last place! | But how did this great shame befall Americuh? Well, some will tell you that it's because China went through an industrial and economic boom, and that it's a developing country, blah blah blah. That's just a bunch of bull mess. I'll tell you the real reason the U.S. fell behind: hippy-progressive-techie-earth-lovers. Take these jerks for instance: Tesla Motors. These guys created a 100% electric sports car that goes from 0 to 60 in under 4 seconds. It costs pennies per mile to drive, produces zero emissions, and is priced similar to other high end sports cars. Not only that, but just look at it's sleek and sexy design! It's pretty obvious that the engineers at Tesla Motors are trying to seduce Americuhns away from their oil-addicted, boxy, gas guzzling SUVs! The CEO, Elon Musk, even says in his interview with WIRED that a sports car is "the right entry point for the market"--which is just CEO-speak for "we are going to make people want an electric car first, before we try to sell them one they can afford." |
| If you want a real Americuhn car, you need to go and buy a HUMMER. The initial cost of a HUMMER will be a little lower than a Tesla Roadster, but don't worry. You won't look like a cheap-ass in front of all your hunting buddies once they find out how much you spend on gas. Although GM doesn't actually publish the miles per gallon a HUMMER H2 gets, common guesses include 9-12 MPG. Furthermore, if you buy a HUMMER, you will be buying Americuhn. Given the current economic turmoil, and the near collapse of GM, every bit helps! But, I know what you are thinking. "I want a gigantic, inefficient, box-like, 3 ton vehicle, but I'm just not sure how to go about acquiring one..." Well, don't despair--it's National HUMMER Club to the rescue! I encourage you to contact the HUMMER Club and tell them what a great favor they are doing Americuh by idolizing this great Americuhn icon and working hard to recruit more HUMMER owners. In fact, while you are contacting people...you might as well contact your senator or congressman and tell them to hurry up and bail out GM with an additional $25 BILLION so they can keep making crappy gigantic cars that nobody wants to buy. If the U.S. is to become the #1 greenhouse gas emitter again, it wont be by investing in new technology like the Tesla Roadster--it will be by using tax payer money to prop up failing and inefficient car makers! |
